Ramblings

Carrying Your Cross:
I have a whole page of notes from todays sermon I planned on summarizing and using for this blog but I am just going to write what is on my mind. I will probably sound all jumbled but this is how it is.

Sometimes I feel like I take things for granted and I don't stop and think about how blessed I really am. This morning in church the Pastor was talking about how we should take up our cross daily and follow Christ. It was a heavy message and it was hard to really truly understand what it means to give up my expectations and carry my cross everyday.

At the end of the sermon he had three people come up and talk about what they felt it meant to take up our cross daily. This is the moment- the moment where I could no longer keep it in. There was one person in particular that made me overwhelmed with guilt and it wasn't for her it was because of how I have acted. This lady has the most grace I have ever seen, how she was able to speak the words she did without just completely falling apart I will never know but it touched my heart and all I could do was cry. She said that "carrying her cross daily" meant that she may never be a Mom. You see her and her husband have been trying to start a family for the past 3 years and have recently found that it is just physically not possible for them. They are in the middle of the adoption process and she said that her "carrying the cross" was internal. It was her having the midset that she doesn't have control over this- It is not something she can plan on happening and that she has come to terms that she may never be able to be a Mom.

I have been so preoccupied with life that  I have completely taken for granted that I have a beautiful son. That I am so blessed that I am able to be a Mother. In that moment all I could do was cry. I couldn't think, talk, speak, nothing. All I could think about was that I had gotten frustrated with Max that morning for something little and dumb. I felt guilty for ever taking him for granted or even for the fact that I had days where I wondered why I was a Mom and wishing it was easier. Max has brought SO much joy into my life. I cannot even imagine not having him with me, so in that moment where she has peace that she may not be a Mom I felt the most pain. I know that God has a plan for everyone and it is always better that the life we had planned.

As soon as I picked Max up from Sunday school I just gave him the biggest hug and kiss, and then when I got into our car Jeremy asked me if I was okay...I lost it, again. I am still mulling over todays sermon, trying to figure out what my burden is that I need to carry. I am not sure exactly what it is... BUT I do know that I hugged my little Max extra hard tonight. AND I know that from this day forward I will have more patience with Him and always kiss him goodnight.

I will post some updated pictures tomorrow, right now it is my bedtime!

Until next time...
xoxo